sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
