Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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