I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
