1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
What did we do last night that was yellow?
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
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