good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
