Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
