I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Banned from zoo.
Again?
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize