There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
