What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
