I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
