never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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