i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Randomize
