"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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