alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Randomize
