I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Randomize
