i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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