Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Randomize
