Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
