So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
