I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
