Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
