maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
