It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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