I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
