So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
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