Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize