Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
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