when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
