ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize