between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
