im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
