if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Randomize
