Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
