Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Randomize
