well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
