I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
