this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
