chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
