Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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