I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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