I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
