Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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