Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
