When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
