Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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