just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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