hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
