In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
