Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
