she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
