so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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