I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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