just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
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