my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
