I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
