have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
