So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
